Kevin Lockard spent a lot of time this week playing the new game Batman: Arkham City, and there was no way he was going to get a comedy piece done. Luckily, he managed to pull a few industry strings and find out about a few of the rejected cheat modes from the game, and offers those up instead:

 

Superman Mode

This mode allows you to play through the game as Superman. It’s pretty easy – Superman’s ridiculous powers allow him to clean up Arkham in around 20 minutes. Instead of wading through horde after horde of bad guys, Superman pretty much flies straight to the final boss and then shoots him with his laser vision. It’s pretty embarrassing for Batman, as it would have taken him several days to accomplish the same thing. After beating the game, you get to see a small cut-scene where Superman leaves, but not before emasculating Batman a little bit more.

“Keep your tampons in that belt, cupcake?”



Occupy Arkham City Mode

Batman trades in the bat suit for a plaid button-up, some tight jeans, and a pair of 3D glasses with the lenses popped out - and decides to solve Arkham’s problems through non-violent protest. The game ends abruptly when The Joker tricks you by posing as a graphic designer from Portland, and then shoots you in the face.

Ironically, Occupy Arkham City protests happened outside of Wayne Tower.



First Person Shooter Mode

This mode changes the game from an engaging, open-world adventure game with a well-written story and immersive gameplay into a game just like every other piece of shit FPS out there - but with Batman’s face slapped on the box. FPS mode will be sold separately and has already garnered 12 million pre-orders from awful, awful gamers who have never heard of Braid or Limbo or Fez and will place the box on their shelf next to alternating copies of 1. “Madden” with an ever-increasing number on the box, and 2. War shooters with an ever-increasing triangle count in the model of the protagonist’s hand.

“Batman is the fucking sickest brah!”



Broken Bat Mode

The most questionable of the alternate game modes, this takes it’s cues from the Knightfall: Broken Bat comic book arc. You play as a paralyzed Batman, after he has had his back broken by Bane. Batman is undeterred though, and continues to clean up Arkham with the help of his state-of-the-art Batchair. However, in the end he is unable to save the day, and Batman is finally defeated by a previously ineffective supervillain - The Stairmaster.

“Some people just want to watch the world burn… CALORIES!”



Pick Up Artist Mode

This changes Arkham City into Arkham Bar & Lounge, the enemies into attractive women, and Batman into a greasy guy with a dumb, self-appointed nickname like “Blaze.” The gameplay is similar – instead of throwing punches, you throw pick-up lines, instead of collecting gadgets for your utility belt, you collect flashy accessories, and instead of fighting super villains to save Arkham, you manipulate women. The game ends abruptly when Joker tricks you by posing as a 19 year old from Kansas pursuing an acting career, and then shoots you in the face.

“Did you notice I’m so ripped you can see my abs through a heavily padded suit?”



Big Head Mode

Because every game should have a big head mode.

“After his parents died, he cried himself to sleep on his huuuuuge pillow.”

 





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