With the gaming world salivating in the hope of finding out ANYTHING about the new Grand Theft Auto game, Damon Blake  has some suggestions for where the next entry can take place.

Guys! The new Grand Theft Auto 5 trailer came out, which had nerds scrambling to figure out where this game is going to be based. I haven’t seen internet virgins scramble in such a focused, demented manner since fake Miley Cryus photos leaked on the internet.

Side note: if you go to the hotel to confirm if shots from a camera phone are real, you are one Kevin Bacon degree away from being a rapist*.

But since this new game is (unsurprisingly) set around Los Angeles I have put my three brain cells together and come up with better alternatives for Graft Theft Auto 6: Still Textin’.

Paris

Ah, the city of love and baguettes. What with London and New York already done, why not complete the trifecta of movie clichés and haute society with a trip to the classiest bitch in the brothel of European capitals with Grand Theft Auto: Paris. You’d get to kill a load of Frenchies! Doesn’t that entice you? I know every American secretly wishes that France had been a part of the Axis Powers so we could’ve just taken their champagne and burlesque dancers, rather than paying steep prices for what is essentially fizzy wine and uncommitted strippers. 

Lego Land

What with the growing popularity of the Lego games and increased immaturity amongst gamers, surely the two franchises could collide in a Benjamin Button-esque meeting of ages. Stabbings, shootings, rocket launcher deaths will all seem hilarious and twee in Grand Theft Auto: Lego Land.  Instead of having to watch the blood ooze out of slits that you have slat now the characters can cheerily pop the their face back into place and go about their merry, jaundiced ways.

Amsterdam

Watchdogs (aaaand watchparents) have always decried that you can bang prostitutes or have casual sex in the games without having to be trapped in loveless marriages that drive your frustrations towards joining watchdog committees. So why not take the game to an area famous for its tolerant views on adult sexuality? Sure, the world in Grand Theft Auto: Amsterdam will be tiny because it’s basically a town with an extension built onto it, there’s no real traffic to speak off (except human, of course)  and everybody is more obsessed with tulips and being able to buy French Fries on the street then with revenge and dealing drugs but still, who wouldn’t want to take a funky visit to Hooker Town.

Capetown 1972

I’m not really sure when apartheid ended. I’m sure I could Google it, but then what if Google told me it never ended? That’s a nightmare world I want to stay ignorant to. Anyway, GTA games are about the collision of different cultures and money and things. To be honest, I don’t really care what Grand Theft Auto: Capetown is about, I just want to hear the South African accent whenever possible so I can scream out “Diplomatic Immunity!” like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2.

The Vatican

No other city would create as much controversy and player interest as setting a game in this city state located in (but not in) Rome. With more corruption than The Sopranos, more secrets than every season of LOST put together and fancy uniforms available for those loving a bit of Michaelangelo inspired DLC, our number one pick for the next game has to be Grand Theft Auto: Vatican. And what with those Papal cease and desist charges dropped against me**, maybe this might entice me back to going to church!***

* Last year Kevin Bacon founded the University of Rape in Detroit, Michigan. Post-Grads available in Alibis and Moral Apathy.

** I was nailing copies of The Da Vinci Code to the doors of churches as a modern statement on Martin Luther’s Ninety-Five Theses. Also, I was trying to get rid of all the copies I had bought on eBay while drunk thinking they’d be worth something in the future.

*** It won’t.

 

Damon Blake is currently producing a series for RTE called Student Teacher. Like the Facebook page to get notified of the first episode. He’s also on Twitter.

 

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