It’s Monday once again and George Fox uses his investigative contacts to uncover some secrets from one of the biggest game releases of 2011.

TOP 5 REJECTED IDEAS FOR SKYRIM-

5: “CRAZY HOBO” CHARACTER CLASS

Although “Skyrim” does in fact feature a wealth of numerous classes and species to choose from, one character type and their associated skills that you wont find anywhere in the retail version is the development teams early attempt at a class named “Crazy Hobo” . The character was to have the unique ability of having no interaction in any way whatsoever with the titles main epic adventure storyline. Instead, as a “Crazy Hobo” you would be limited to minor interactions with NPC’s(Non-Player characters) in the towns and villages of “Skyrim”. Planned abilities for this character type included a mini-game where you try to make eye contact with passersby as you ask for spare change, and the ability to be quickly “Moved on” by authorities should you come within 200ft of any local schools. One unique perk that was also available to players of this type was that if they built up enough Magicka through drinking games and swearing at local women, they would be given the opportunity to urinate upon a house of their choosing. Seven moons after committing this deed, the first-born of that household would fall ill and die. This would have unlocked the PS3 Trophy/ Xbox 360 Achievement “Hobo’s Vengeance”.

Will Work For: ELIXIRS/ENCHANTED AMULETS ……………and crack


4: THE HOUSE OF FROSEF JITZEL

In one of the most northern towns in the land of “Skyrim”, players were supposed to find a very plain-looking house where an elderly couple lived. Only after completing a number of tasks for this couple would their true nature become apparent. Players would discover that the elderly couples daughter had unfortunately become a vampire, and as such must be hidden from the superstitious locals, for her safety, and theirs. It is at this point that the player would have been given the option of either keeping the secret to protect the elderly couple from the wrath of the local towns people. Or choose to free the young lady, allowing her to see sunlight for the first time in over a decade. At which point she would have exploded into flames and turned to ash screaming in agony while cursing your soul to an eternity of torment. This quest was dropped because of the obvious parallels between this fictional story and the tragic real life story upon which the 2003 Mark Wahlberg movie “The Italian Job” was based.

Mark Wahlberg ONLY see’s the world in shades of grey.

3: IN GAME SPONSORSHIP OF DRAGON FLIGHT

One of  “Skyrim” creators ,Bethesda, original plans was to earn back some income for their company by not only implementing an in-game dragon flight system, where you could board scheduled flights to different parts of skyrim, but also allowing these services to be controlled by real world low fares airline companies such as Ryanair, EasyJet and jetBlue. This system was removed however after almost all of Bethesdas own game testers decided to take it upon themselves to murder every single NPC working within the in-game “Dragon Port”. Apparently players took great insult to being forced to write-up their own scrolls before arriving for their flights, as well as the number of security measures they had to pass through such as having to remove their chain mail before going through the “Enchanted Scanners”, and all magic wielding characters being forced to carry their potions and elixirs in a resealable plastic bag.

I wouldn’t mind but this is the THIRD time they’ve lost my luggage…..and eaten one of my children.

2: EXPANDED UPON MONOTONY OF ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

Many gamers are aware that it is possible to choose a partner and even get married in “Skyrim”. What many players won’t know, however, is the fact that the games designers originally planned to implement a system more akin to actual married life. This would have meant gamers would have constantly had to keep in contact with their stay at home partner using messenger pigeons, updating them on their quest, newly acquired income and any attractive companions they may have met on their journey, and whether they were “Prettier” or “Funnier” than your long time partner was. The climactic test for this planned expansion, was the ultimate sacrifice for your Partner, where you would voyage with them through Sunday traffic in order to venture to the “IKEA WAREHOUSE OF DOOM” where you and your partner would be forced to battle through numerous tests designed to strain your relationship, and patience, such as “The Hall Of Endless Light Fixtures” and “The Tower Of  Monotonous Tap Fittings”  before finally facing the torment of “The Futon Of Unattainable Comfort”.

If players were lucky enough to survive, they were rewarded with a long horse and cart  journey home, where your partner would take the opportunity to run through a list of all of your characters failings. Both personal, professional and in regard to your lacklustre orc killing abilities.

“Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here”, it said on my receipt.

1: NEVERLAND RANCH

As a cross promotional tie-in for the game “Michael Jackson: The Experience”, available for all major home and portable consoles, the makers of “Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim” had originally planned to include a large dungeon area, accessible only to the highest level characters. Upon entering this dungeon, players would immediately be transported via “Rainbow Coloured Hot Air Balloon” to the secret area of “NeverLand Ranch” where players would have to do battle with the king of pop himself. As an extra challenge, players would not just have to defeat Jackson once, but instead battle him several times in his many guises from across his career. These would include battling Child Michael Jackson and his four brothers, all masters in the “ABC”‘s of swordplay, before moving further through his career including battling:

-”Dangerous” Michael Jackson

-”Bad” Michael Jackson

-Transformer “MOONWALKER” Michael Jackson

-Pepsi Sponsored “Hair On Fire” Michael Jackson

If players defeated ALL of Michael Jackson’s numerous incarnations, he would return one last time, in the form of a gruesomely decomposing zombie. Much like that made famous by its appearance in his video for the hit song “You Are Not Alone”. This content was eventually cut from the final version of the game though, when the makers of the game decided that the ending of this dungeon was far too anti-climactic, as it was in fact IMPOSSIBLE to defeat Michael Jackson in his final form using traditional gameplay. The only way to in fact beat this boss was to travel to a nearby town and hire a local doctor to finish the job for you. Completing this task would have also unlocked the PS3 Trophy/Xbox 360 Achievement titled: “Too Soon”

“You may destroy my physical form. But my power and taste for vengeance knows no bounds in this mortal realm”: sang Michael Jackson in his hit song “Billie Jean”

HONOURABLE MENTION: ARKHAM CITY EASTER EGG!

One of the most interesting Easter Eggs I discovered during my playthrough of “Skyrim” was the ability to jump into the shoes of Batman and take on villains such as The Joker, Two Face and Mr.Freeze on the streets of Arkham City. The easy way in which I unlocked this easter egg was simply by kicking in my room-mate Gary’s bedroom door, rifling through the bag of stuff he had just bought in HMV, flushing his boxset of  “Two And A Half Men: Season 5″ down the toilet and breaking all the CDs he’d purchased that day. Upon doing this I then opened my room-mate’s Xbox 360 drive and VOILA! I discovered my reward, a simple disc marked “Batman: Arkham City” which, upon swapping out my “Skyrim” disc for, unlocked the hidden ARKHAM CITY content. I don’t know about you, but I love it when they go to such efforts to hide these little extras.

George Fox is a Comedian/ Writer based In Dublin, Ireland. He can be seen performing live at numerous venues across Dublin and throughout the rest of Ireland.


Don’t forget to follow us:

Humourisms FacebookHumourisms TwitterHumourisms Mailing List