With the season of goodwill well and truly upon us, Jon Hozier-Byrne shows us what your choice of Christmas videogame says about you
Two thousand-odd years ago, our saviour was born in a shed, surrounded by donkeys and not Internet. By sheer coincidence, he was born on Christmas day, and got lots of presents. Now, tens of Christmases later, we celebrate that day by sitting alone for a week playing videogames, while the more sociable fools in your family enjoy each other’s company. Well, who needs ‘em? Families don’t have explosions, magic, or women with breasts big enough to cause minor back issues, and major front issues.
You’re right Kevin, Catwoman DOES have some big ol’ titties.
So, with the deadline for Santa’s Christmas lists on the immediate horizon, we at Humourisms have deemed to provide you, our loving reader, with a list of the possible games that you could be playing this Christmas, and then telling you what it says about you. Think of it like horoscopes for intelligent nerds, except somehow sadder than that sounds. After all, you’re going to devote hundreds of hours to whatever videogame you pick – you should know what all your friends will think about you. And yes, before you ask, we’ll be those friends.
Pictured: You.

Batman – Arkham City

 
Nothing suggestive about this.
Have you ever wished that you could be the Dark Knight, gliding from rooftop to rooftop, beating up leather-wearing hooligans, and banging lady/cat hybrids? If the answer is yes, then you will most likely enjoy the sequel to last year’s Game of the Year. If the answer is no, then congratulations, you must be Batman.
What it says about you: You are a strong individual, and you don’t need the company or the approval of others to be happy – which is just as well, for obvious reasons. You will spend too long reading up on the backstories of miscellaneous comic book villains, which is fine, because that increasingly long unemployed period in your mid-twenties is exactly when you have that kind of time to spare. Finally, you are a devoted Ayn Rand-style capitalist, who enjoys playing out your sado-masochistic fantasies of having a multi-billionaire hospitalising the poor and mentally deficient. Nice work.

Battlefield 3

Pictured: Not racism.
One of the most anticipated games of this year, Battlefield 3 is now the game of choice for budding psychopaths everywhere. Imagine – it’s like Call of Duty, except without that ‘dirty’ feeling afterwards, as if you’d just been double-teamed by Treyarch and Infinity Ward, and been charged sixty euro for the experience.
What it says about you: Are you racist? Probably.

Zelda – Skyward Sword

 Stab plants, bang princesses. Live the dream.
Link returns, with new adventures, new gadgets, but with a vintage feel – like the ripe busom of an older lady.
What it says about you: You believe you are a gamer of taste and refinement, and while that may be true, the real reason you bought this game is that you are too poor to afford a real console. Enjoy your Christmas dinner of chicken nuggets and Waifos crumbly ham.

The Elder Scrolls – Skyrim

Yes Kevin. Yes she does.
A game where you can play as a giant cat wizard fighting Vikings and dragons, and as such, is the future of the industry. Developers worldwide are now retroactively programming cat-people into all their latest projects – look out for the upcoming Marvel Vs. Catcom and Fifa: Meow.
What it says about you: Congratulations, you have won Christmas. All others bow to your superior taste and probably large penis. Enjoy your new, better life as a Nordic warrior – you will not want to return. Say goodbye to work, family, and the faint memory of a touch of a woman.
Jon Hozier-Byrne is a stand-up comedian, the editor of Humourisms, and is profoundly terrified of breasts.

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