Preface: These are all 100% real candy hearts, found in packs that were given to every employee at my office. Most of them contained the normal “Be Mine” and “Forever Yours” bullshit that we are so accustomed to, but hidden between those empty platitudes were some real gems…
An intriguing opener, candy heart. While most of your sweet, sweet brethren are wearing their hearts on their sleeves, you’re playing it close to the vest. Any other day of the year, I respect that. But today I need love - a need that statistical analysis predicts will likely not be fulfilled by a woman. That’s the whole reason I turned to candy in the first place. I gotta find a sure thing tonight, candy heart. I can’t play these games with you.
Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.