Tag Archives: kevin lockard

The Top 5 Worst Valentine’s Day Candy Hearts

Preface: These are all 100% real candy hearts, found in packs that were given to every employee at my office. Most of them contained the normal “Be Mine” and “Forever Yours” bullshit that we are so accustomed to, but hidden between those empty platitudes were some real gems…

 

5.

An intriguing opener, candy heart. While most of your sweet, sweet brethren are wearing their hearts on their sleeves, you’re playing it close to the vest. Any other day of the year, I respect that. But today I need love - a need that statistical analysis predicts will likely not be fulfilled by a woman. That’s the whole reason I turned to candy in the first place. I gotta find a sure thing tonight, candy heart. I can’t play these games with you.

Continue reading



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




I Started Watching Battlestar Galactica

And then I made this.

 

…still single, if you’re wondering ladies.



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




My Barber’s Business Card

 

This post could also be titled “Kevin Phones In His Weekly Post.” I did a gig in Omagh tonight, and I’m tired. Sue me.



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




Video Games Make Me Feel Childish



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




Humourisms Theatre Presents: One-Act Plays Describing My Experiences in US and Irish Border Security

Hello everyone, Kevin here. I had to do a lot of travelling recently, for Thanksgiving and Christmas - and I noticed a few differences between how the USA and Ireland handle border security at airports. I’ve decided to highlight a few of these differences with two very short one-act plays in today’s very first edition of:

Continue reading



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




Kevin Has a Conversation With Siri On His New iPhone

Continue reading



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




A Series of Thanksgiving-Themed Haikus

Our token American Kevin Lockard has been off this week, flying home to celebrate Thanksgiving. Being back home has stirred up a lot of feelings in Kevin, and for a special Thanksgiving update he attempts to explore those feelings through the traditional medium of Haiku.

Hi everyone. American citizen Kevin Lockard here, coming to you live from my hometown of Burke, Virginia. I’m home for Thanksgiving, staying with my parents, my brother, his fiancé, my sister, her husband, and her two young daughters.

Under one roof with

all my relatives. We might

murder each other.

I’m the one in the bottom right - giving the viewer a sly look, as if to say “Will I kill them? I’ll never tell!”

Continue reading



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




Game Boys - Mass Effect

gameboys logo

Kevin takes a look at Mass Effect, a game that finally lets him live his childhood dream.

Also, let me just pre-emptively respond to the comments: Yes, I know you can’t actually do this in the game. Quit crampin’ my style, nerd.



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




Game Boys - Batman

gameboys logo

While playing Arkham City, Kevin ponders what life might be like if HE were Batman.

Also, this is our last Batman post. We swear.

…For a while at least.



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.




Rejected Arkham City Cheats

Kevin Lockard spent a lot of time this week playing the new game Batman: Arkham City, and there was no way he was going to get a comedy piece done. Luckily, he managed to pull a few industry strings and find out about a few of the rejected cheat modes from the game, and offers those up instead:

Superman Mode

This mode allows you to play through the game as Superman. It’s pretty easy – Superman’s ridiculous powers allow him to clean up Arkham in around 20 minutes. Instead of wading through horde after horde of bad guys, Superman pretty much flies straight to the final boss and then shoots him with his laser vision. It’s pretty embarrassing for Batman, as it would have taken him several days to accomplish the same thing. After beating the game, you get to see a small cut-scene where Superman leaves, but not before emasculating Batman a little bit more.

“Keep your tampons in that belt, cupcake?”

Continue reading



Kevin Lockard is a comedian living in Dublin, Ireland. You can follow him on Twitter at @KevinDollarSign. You can find upcoming shows at KevinLockard.com.